My favorite picture of E and I

This picture shows us. He doesn't like pictures and I adore him. He was saying NO while we were taking this...

My Not So Secret, Secret...

This is going to be my super personal, a look into my heart & mind post... so don't judge me please!

I have never wanted to be a SAHM (stay at home mom), never. It just wasn't something I thought about. Not even after I had Aidan or Elijah really. I enjoyed my career. I enjoy working. I enjoy adult conversation and having that interaction daily is important to me. I like working...sue me! Then came Joshua. I still have no idea what it is but something is pulling at me. Maybe it's because he is my "last" child. Maybe it's because he is such a happy baby. Maybe it's because Elijah's serious food allergies have me worrying every.single.day about everything he is doing and who is touching him. Maybe it's because of Joshua's horrible asthma issues. I don't know what it is, but I feel like staying home is calling me.

I may sound crazy to some, but I yearn to spend more time with my babies. I want to be there 100% of the time and I want to be the one to help and care and wipe everything! The funny thing is, I have ZERO patience. I try my best but when things are not going well at home with the kids, I sulk, pout & get all frazzled. I am no longer this organized person because let's face it, 3 children in 4.5 years kind of throws you for a loop. It changes every single thing you thought you knew about yourself. It tests you, your endurance, your whole body, soul and mind are no longer the same, forever.

Anyway, I always see SAHMs as AWESOME! I truly believe they are special kind of people and I am not that. I don't have the SAHM gene. I like to be away from my babies. (SHOCKER) I like the personal, quiet, alone time. Maybe that is why I enjoy work... but I want that gene. I want the CHANCE to be with my babies. I want to pick Aidan up from school. I want to struggle & be frustrated & take even more deep breathes than I already do on evenings & weekends...even if it's just for a little while.

We moms should have the choice. Instead, we work work and work until something has to give. It is present in my mind, more than ever, that I NEED TO BE THERE. My husband and I don't have much of a support system here. When my amazing aunt & grandmother can't, usually no one else can, and so, it's back on me. But I have a job, a career that relies on me too. What a fine line we dance as WOHM (work outside the home mom) to make sure all the balls are rolling perfectly.

I just think that as time moves on and my boys get older, it is only going to get harder. They will have more after school activities, more demands, and I will have more responsibility at work. What am I supposed to do then?

Sorry for all the rambling, I just miss my babies and I pray that God steer me through these times. I pray that God open my heart & my husband's heart & mind to HIS will. Let His will be done, always & forever.

Brotherly Love

This morning, as the chaos of every morning before school/work ensued, laughter filled the air. The most adorable giggles I have ever heard in my life. My husband & I seemed to notice at the same time. We looked over, and there they were E & J giggling at each other. Such innocence and LOVE, pure easy love. No worries about anything. They were just giggling at each other. I am not even sure what was so funny but remember, J is only 8 months old. We lovingly call him Mr. Smiley/Mr. Giggles for a good reason. Just seeing that love made such an impression on us, at least on me. It was breathtaking. It made everything peaceful and loving. No yelling at anyone to hurry up or rushing like a madwoman to get us out of the house, like we do every other morning. It was God's peace, love & joy. Sometimes we need that moment to remember, to PAUSE and enjoy the moment. I am so grateful that Hubby & I got to witness it. 

Hopefully I can record it next time but at least I have this written reminder. 

Marriage, Love & Prayer

Do you guys pray for your marriage? I never really thought about it until my marriage boat was rocked. Now I do it as often as possible. I pray alone, I pray with my husband, I ask others to pray for us. We need God in the center of our marriage. I always "knew" that per say, but I did not live it. I know I still have a ways to go in my relationship with our Heavenly Father but I am glad that it's on the way there. I am grateful to my husband for helping me dig deeper and yearn for MORE, for introducing me to different aspects of God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit. I am sure he has no idea I feel this way, maybe I will tell him one day!

I love & adore my husband. I know he sacrifices for us and would do anything for his family. He is not a perfect man by any means but his heart is good and that is all that matters (today lol).

Oops! It's been a while!

I cannot believe it's been 2 months since my last post! Time flies when you are having "fun"...

Well the last few months have been filled with excitement. We went to my husband's family reunion in Tarboro, NC. Driving with a 6 month old infant & a 2 year old high energy toddler for 8 hours is torturous but I learned a new skill... breastfeeding while in a moving car, WITHOUT removing infant from car seat Flame away...I had to do what I had to!  He does not take a paci and he just wanted to be comforted. We stopped many times but he was so sick of that car seat. Heck, I was sick of sitting in the car and I am an adult! Let's just say we are all glad that is over!

Then it was birthday & back to school season! We have lots of birthdays in August & September so we were busy every weekend with one or both. N started the 5th grade; craziness, I remember when  I met her & she was an adorable little 2 year old!! Now she is almost as tall as I am! A started Kindergarten and he seems to love it. We just need to get in a better routine for after school, it will come in time God willing. The littles (E & J) went back to daycare.

More birthdays are on their way this month (including mine). Kind of exciting and overwhelming all at once. I am just grateful to be able to see each new day! Tomorrow isn't promised so I try to remember that no matter how crazy my morning was or how bad the day is going, God gives us new mercies & grace so be GRATEFUL! Let's thank GOd that we don't have to do "that" over again...what ever "that" is ;-)

Catching Up!

Oh how I have missed you!! I need to find an app that will let me add a post from my phone because there is SO much I want to tell you but I never get a chance to sit down & actually write it out. I see how time consuming this must be for all the "real" bloggers out there!

So let's work backwards...

This past holiday weekend we spent 4 glorious days art MIL's house. She is a Godsend and you probably think I am lying but no really, she is AWESOME (I am singing it lol). I wish she lived closer because the kids miss their grandmother so much after we leave it's really sad. We did not get a chance to visit my mom on the drive back up but that is alright (it's not but I am sucking it up...for now), I will see her soon, hopefully this upcoming weekend.  DH and I went on date to the Harbor. We FINALLY (it only took 8 years) got on a boat! It was a very fun speed boat tour by Sea Dog and yes it was so romantic. I LOVED it and it made me appreciate him so much more. You see I can be a pretty moody person, especially if I don't get my way (SHOCKER I know) but he always has a plan for us. Sometimes you just have to be patient and let your husband lead...I can't believe I just said that! That reminds me of how our relationship with God should be...we don't have to know His will for us but just trust that He knows best and He will not lead us in the wrong path ever...

Oh and who is reading my blog...I have had 18 page views and maybe 5 of them are ME! Crazy! lol Comment & tell me you are out there! I will figure out how to upload pictures and stuff soon, I promise!

Words Matter!

I have always been a HUGE believer that there is power in spoken word. Please speak LIFE into people. So today, someone spoke life into me.

I am currently trying my best to stay upbeat despite my PPD tendency. So, having 4 children ages 9 and under is sometimes a huge chaotic mess when you try & go places, Saturday was one of those days.

We had a million things to do in a short amount of time PLUS Hubby had to work at our church for a few hours so I was left to wrangle a sick infant & 3 hungry children in Target & the hair salon. We finally get to Target & as we are about to get out of the car, after a 25 minute nursing session in the backseat, I look down & see that my favorite capri jeans have ripped in the crotch area. Yes ladies & gents, my panties were in full view. *TEARS*  So I did what any other mother of 4 would do, I sat in the car & waited for Hubby to get to Target after work. Hubby to the resue! He shopped for everything we needed with no complaints at all.

Anyway, my point was....someone sent me a text today to say that I looked "super cool" with my children in tow Saturday. "lots of work but its picture perfect you look like a boss" and that I do it so "gracefully". Now if you knew the hot mess Saturday was for me, you would cry too. This person had NO idea how much I needed to hear that I do NOT look like a travelling circus with my kids. So be sure to tell someone if you admire them or give them that compliment in your head because you never know how much they need it that day!

I've Arrived!

Hello world! It's my first time "blogging". I just want a place to actually WRITE DOWN the good, the bad, & the funny that happens in our little big family.

So today is a rough day. Yesterday J was diagnosed with an ear infection (plus he is cutting a 2nd tooth) & E had an asthma attack, all within 2 hours. Today it's Hubby's turn to stay home with the sick children. Yep, you guessed it, I have been called at least 3 times with screaming children in the background. Fun times for ALL!

Did I mention my children? N - age 9, A - age 4.5 E - age 2 J - 4 months (1 girl & 3 boys)

Yes we have a TV with cable & all the fancy fixings. Yes we know how these "things" happen and we don't mind it lol. Oh that reminds me of a funny picture Cozi posted today on FB. Let me figure out how to post it here...

Well maybe some other time since my work laptop is spazzing out. Oh yea, did I mention I work full time? Some might argue that it's not all that full-time since I am all over the place with my hours attending doctors visits, picking up sick kids from daycare & sports practice/games but my bosses are very very understanding (Thank you Jesus!) and I *think* I do a good job when I am actually here.

Last thing I wanted to share was our funny yesterday! A is sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner and I hear aloud vibrating sound. A then says excuse me. Nope that sound did not come out of his mouth...boys! Me - A that's disgusting! A's response: I want to be just like daddy, an old man with loud farts! ROFL...

Ok I am done...must finish a work project. Hopefully we do this again soon!