This is going to be my super personal, a look into my heart & mind post... so don't judge me please!
I have never wanted to be a SAHM (stay at home mom), never. It just wasn't something I thought about. Not even after I had Aidan or Elijah really. I enjoyed my career. I enjoy working. I enjoy adult conversation and having that interaction daily is important to me. I like working...sue me! Then came Joshua. I still have no idea what it is but something is pulling at me. Maybe it's because he is my "last" child. Maybe it's because he is such a happy baby. Maybe it's because Elijah's serious food allergies have me worrying every.single.day about everything he is doing and who is touching him. Maybe it's because of Joshua's horrible asthma issues. I don't know what it is, but I feel like staying home is calling me.
I may sound crazy to some, but I yearn to spend more time with my babies. I want to be there 100% of the time and I want to be the one to help and care and wipe everything! The funny thing is, I have ZERO patience. I try my best but when things are not going well at home with the kids, I sulk, pout & get all frazzled. I am no longer this organized person because let's face it, 3 children in 4.5 years kind of throws you for a loop. It changes every single thing you thought you knew about yourself. It tests you, your endurance, your whole body, soul and mind are no longer the same, forever.
Anyway, I always see SAHMs as AWESOME! I truly believe they are special kind of people and I am not that. I don't have the SAHM gene. I like to be away from my babies. (SHOCKER) I like the personal, quiet, alone time. Maybe that is why I enjoy work... but I want that gene. I want the CHANCE to be with my babies. I want to pick Aidan up from school. I want to struggle & be frustrated & take even more deep breathes than I already do on evenings & weekends...even if it's just for a little while.
We moms should have the choice. Instead, we work work and work until something has to give. It is present in my mind, more than ever, that I NEED TO BE THERE. My husband and I don't have much of a support system here. When my amazing aunt & grandmother can't, usually no one else can, and so, it's back on me. But I have a job, a career that relies on me too. What a fine line we dance as WOHM (work outside the home mom) to make sure all the balls are rolling perfectly.
I just think that as time moves on and my boys get older, it is only going to get harder. They will have more after school activities, more demands, and I will have more responsibility at work. What am I supposed to do then?
Sorry for all the rambling, I just miss my babies and I pray that God steer me through these times. I pray that God open my heart & my husband's heart & mind to HIS will. Let His will be done, always & forever.
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